Ok, I know it seems like my family is awesome, my husband is perfect and we never ever have arguments.  We obviously are the epitome of excellence and clearly fall into the “have-it-all” category.  Ok, ok…maybe not (as evidenced by my many posts relating our supreme imperfections).  Yes, my Mother’s Day was exceptional.  I had a fantastic day.  But I want to clue everyone in on why the day was so great.

I hope after my last post I didn’t leave anyone with empty feelings about their own day.  That is the furthest from my intentions.  So I want to let you in on a little secret of the Rush family:  Special days weren’t always so perfect.

My husband is great and he has always WANTED to make every single holiday special, but he’s a man (it’s really that simple).  He sees things as men see things.  And he was raised in a family that didn’t make a big deal out of any holiday (with the exception of Thanksgiving and St. Patrick’s Day) – not even birthdays.  So when we first got married he didn’t always make special days as oh-so-very-special as I wanted or expected him to.

At the beginning I had very, very, very high expectations.  After all, I was his wife and I’d seen thousands romantic comedies.  He was supposed to know exactly what I wanted, arrange it all in secret and make sure it all went off without a hitch.  I wanted big, romantic, heartfelt presents (events/activities/cards/speeches/etc…).  And I wanted him to just KNOW all of that, without me needing to tell him.  I was his wife and he was supposed to know me through and through.

Well, needless to say, this did not work.  Not in the least.  Even when he did super great things like taking me to dinner and a concert, I had been wanting and expecting something else so I wasn’t able to appreciate the great things he actually did.  How sad for him.  He tried his best but was left (by me) to just take a wild guess and surely fail.

There is a couple who my husband and I respect and admire deeply.  They are fantastic parents and are great at loving one another.  We have always wanted to raise a family like them.  When one of their kids was little he had done something his father wasn’t pleased with.  After being scolded he looked up at his dad and said, “Dad, you don’t need to yell at me.  Just tell me your expectations.”

That wisdom haunted me.  It’s what my husband was silently saying to me.  After a few years of him trying to read my mind and me humoring him, we realized that it just wasn’t working.  Through a lot of conversations I recognized that if I wanted to have my expectations fulfilled I had to make them known.  I didn’t need to get mad at him, I just needed to tell him my expectations.  Clearly and in detail.

I couldn’t just say I wanted to go to dinner.  I needed to specify that I wanted to go to a fancy dinner in Portland, not a sports bar.  I couldn’t just say I wanted to go shopping.  I needed to explain that I wanted to spend X amount of dollars on clothes from stores on NW 23rd.  And if I wanted him to go with me, sit outside the dressing room and look at every outfit I tried on, I needed to tell him that too.  (I also needed to realize that he’d need a book to bring with him because shopping is B-O-R-I-N-G for men).  But when I clearly laid out what would make me most happy on my birthday, he delivered.  And it was wonderful.  And I was happy.  And he felt good about himself because I was happy on my special day.  We were both able to enjoy holidays and birthdays more.  I showed my love to him by giving him a chance to be successful, and he showed his love for me by fulfilling my expectations.  Win-win.  (If my kids are involved it’s a win-win-win, which is always the best result, according to Michael Scott).

When you see my  fantastic Mother’s Day pictures please know that we are able to celebrate that way because we have learned how to help each other out.  He takes my hints.  I give them freely (like emails with breakfast recipes in them).  I have made clear that I enjoy flowers, cards and making all the decisions on my special days.  So that’s what he gives me.  If I want a party or gathering I tell him so – and I have the expectations of the kind party HE is able to throw, not a party I would throw.  When I want to spend the day or the night away together, he gives me the freedom to arrange that myself (if I want to) and we’re both able to enjoy ourselves.  If I want a certain present, I ask for it.  It’s pretty simple, really.

So, ladies, if you want a special day…by all means LET HIM KNOW!!!  Tell him what you want.  Ask him to make reservations (or just make them yourself).  Make your expectations clear so he can fulfill them.  He wants to.  But he needs your help.  After all, he may be a handsome, wonderful, thoughtful genius but he is still a man.  He does not think like you.