That’s sometimes all it takes to get us through. Just a little hope. A ray of sun. A reminder. Good wins. The Lion is on the move. This is not the end of the story. Friends, I know you are weary. You are burdened. You are fighting and mourning and longing for peace. This song has brought hope to my heart lately. I hope it brings hope to yours as well.
…there will be pictures. And we won’t like any of them. I got to spend the weekend with three of my favorite people. We ate cookies, shopped the craft market, watched movies, and pinched the squishy cheeks of Katy’s little girl. Aren’t her cheeks the best? And don’t get me started on those chins. She is just such a little squishy bundle of cute!!! At the Fremont Market. I think this is my new favorite market. If only I had a bigger garage and an unlimited budget… At the end of the weekend Anya’s husband came home to compete … Continue reading
Last week I posted about the best meal of my life in Vegas. Well, as it happens, there was more to Vegas than that one meal. I know. It’s hard to believe. We went with some great friends that we see far too infrequently. This is the only picture we got of the four of us all weekend. And it’s the best I could do with the editing. The waiter took it at our phenomenal dinner. It was dark, blurry and off center. But it’s all of us. Colin and JohnE graduated from high school together (and middle school too, … Continue reading
Sometimes I’m kind of ridiculous. Especially when it comes to social situations and anxiety. I’m weird that way. I’m not good with people or awkwardness or casual conversations. I don’t answer my phone very often because I despise talking on the phone. Those loooooooooong uncomfortable pauses are painful. I leave most situations, meetings, phone calls or conversations feeling like a complete idiot.
I’m not sure why. I just don’t excel at being social. I feel strange and out of place. I attribute this to growing up on a farm in the country and to going to a school where I met everyone I graduated with in the first grade. There wasn’t much practicing starting casual conversations. Everyone knew you completely, since you were born. True, a new person would move in once every three years, but I guess that’s just not enough practice.
I’m definitely better than I used to be. I don’t panic quite as much. I try to keep my mind calm and remember people’s names. I’ve finally been able to make some good friends here (after eleven years). There are a few more people I can be *slightly* comfortable around.
It’s hard to explain exactly the feeling I get when I am thrust into the spotlight of casual social interaction. That’s why I am so thankful for Jason Gray and his aversion to social situations also. He speaks my deranged public phobia much better than I ever could. Take a listen. (And please remember that neither Jason Gray nor I am not responsible for the video links You Tube chooses to feature at the end of the video. I’ve watched it twice and the links aren’t the best. Maybe don’t click on them, ok?)
Yes, I have hidden behind lobster tanks. And grocery displays and parked cars and my kids. Sure, they think I’m tying their shoe, but really I’m hiding my face. I don’t want that awkward conversation. I don’t know how to drill through it to get to the good stuff. You know, the part where I’m my real self and you are your real self and we talk about real things without needing to smile about everything and make each other feel good.
I don’t know how to get there from “Hiiiii! How ARE you?! It’s been so long since I’ve seen you!” I’m inept. So, if I’ve ever ignored you at the store, this is why. And I’m sorry. Thanks for not running over and making me endure that awkward conversation. Thanks also for not getting mad at me and thinking I’m a huge snob.
And for those of you who have come over and forced me to have that awkward conversation, I know I’ll be thankful for that someday. I really will. I appreciate your boldness and friendliness. I need that (most of the time). And, just so you know, most of my very best friends now were those people who made me interact. They forced their way in. They found me behind the lobster tank and asked me what the heck I was doing down there. And for that I am exceedingly grateful.
See, I really want to be known
But I’m not quite as strong as the fear
That you won’t understand the fool that I am
That’s how I ended up here
-Jason Gray, How I Ended Up Here
(Album: Everything Sad Is Coming Untrue)
Today I’m filled with a lot of little random thoughts.
First of all, I have been on a quest to acquire excellent running gear lately. I have been in need of new shoes and I am getting tired of doing so much laundry because I only have one pair of pants I like to run in. So, I’d like to introduce you to…
I ran in them this morning and they are great…so far! It’ll probably take a week or so to really figure out how they help or hurt my feet and joints, but there was no pain as I ran today. They are extremely light and well cushioned. The only complaint people have said is that they don’t have enough heavy black sole material on the bottom, causing them to wear out faster. It looks like this:
The lack of black is one thing that makes the shoe so light. I’ll have to just wait and see how long they last for me. I’ll keep you updated on how well I like them.
I also ran in these today:
I absolutely LOVE these. I want to wear them every day. But that would be gross. They are great to wear in the wet and rainy weather because I don’t have exposed calves to splash water on. I really don’t like that feeling. I got them on clearance at Fit Right Northwest. I love their clearance rack!
And I kept my ears warm (and my head visible) with this:
I usually don’t like wearing headbands because they are so thick (usually fleece) and make my head sweat. But this one is made of lycra. It’s really thin and provided just enough protection to keep my ears from hurting while not making me too warm. And Eryn, my running partner, said I was REALLY visible.
Then I took a trip to my church to drop off some sound equipment, some clothes to donate for the youth group mission trip and some treats that I HAD to get out of my house. As I was getting into my car my friend Meredith drove up. I love seeing friends when I don’t expect it. She was bringing eggs to someone. She has chickens. Lots of them. Which means she has eggs. Lots of them. She had a pair of capris for me that she found on clearance at Kohls. They were only…wait for it…$12!!! Can you believe it?!?!?! They are the older version of these:
Did you think I was going to post a picture of ME wearing the capris??? Ha. I don’t think so. I’ll wear them running because you only see me for a second then I’m gone! But I won’t let you see me for an extended period of time in anything tight like these. Thank you Mere for the excellent capris and for being a bright spot in my day (just by seeing you…not even because you had pants for me!)
Next random thought. Meredith, the friend I was just talking about, is having a giveaway on her blog. She’s giving away some really cool headbands. They are great for running or just running around town. And there are children’s sized ones too! Head over to her blog to enter the giveaway!
They are great for so many reasons.
1. Egg and nut free. And I didn’t even have to use egg replacer (which is not cheap).
2. Only three ingredients.
3. Super easy with nothing to measure.
5. ALL of my kids liked them. I liked them. Colin will like them when he tries them later. That is a very successful snack trial.
They are so good they could easily be cupcakes with some frosting. I think I’ll make more and frost them with cream cheese frosting for Shiloh’s birthday party this weekend. They are packed with pumpkin, so they are relatively healthy for a birthday treat. You could probably use carrot puree instead for a “carrot cake” type of taste. Butternut squash puree would work too.
And finally, I’m very excited about the Run Like A Mother event tonight at Old Town Battle Grounds!! Sarah Bowen Shea is going to read some from the book, answer questions and bring her books and shirts to sell. I hear there will be giveaways also. This is the book I wanted to quit earlier this fall, but I’m glad I pushed through. I’d recommend it to anyone who loves running or fitness in general. Especially if you are a mother.
That’s the end of my randomness for the day. Not because I’m out of random thoughts, but because naptime is over. Time to take a break from blogging to be a mommy.
Is it wrong to be angry with God? Not angry like I’m going to walk away from Him. I know the only way to live is in His grace and I know he’ll get me through this somehow. But I am angry. I cannot stand this place I have come to. I am alone. My life occurs within the walls of my house because I have no where else to go. I have no one to even have coffee with. I have no one to relate to. I have no one here who is going through the same things as I am that I can talk to about it. I have no one to be encouraged by or to encourage. I have no friends. I feel angry and alone and cheated. I am sure it is very selfish to feel this way. I know it is probably not even based in truth. But I am angry nonetheless.
For those of you who are shocked by this, I apologize. I have restrained myself from writing (or even saying) these things for months now. I know how I should feel. I am told frequently that it will take time to feel at home here. But when it is said by those who have a community, friends (even one) or family surrounding them, it is hard to take. I don’t want to seem like a complainer, so I smile and say nice things about our new home. I rack my brain to think of all the random positives to say (like “We are so much closer to Qwest Field so it’s easier to get to Seahawk games”) so I won’t be a downer. Some things I even just make up (sorry) so people will think I’m adjusting to the change. I don’t want anyone to think that I am not doing “fine”. But…I’m not doing fine. And that’s the truth.
And to all my friends and family that live where I want to live…I also apologize for secretly resenting your happiness. I love you and miss you and want you to be happy. But I am also a very selfish person. So, for all of those thoughts where I got angry that you were so happy and well-adjusted, I am sorry.