Is it wrong to be angry with God? Not angry like I’m going to walk away from Him. I know the only way to live is in His grace and I know he’ll get me through this somehow. But I am angry. I cannot stand this place I have come to. I am alone. My life occurs within the walls of my house because I have no where else to go. I have no one to even have coffee with. I have no one to relate to. I have no one here who is going through the same things as I am that I can talk to about it. I have no one to be encouraged by or to encourage. I have no friends. I feel angry and alone and cheated. I am sure it is very selfish to feel this way. I know it is probably not even based in truth. But I am angry nonetheless.
For those of you who are shocked by this, I apologize. I have restrained myself from writing (or even saying) these things for months now. I know how I should feel. I am told frequently that it will take time to feel at home here. But when it is said by those who have a community, friends (even one) or family surrounding them, it is hard to take. I don’t want to seem like a complainer, so I smile and say nice things about our new home. I rack my brain to think of all the random positives to say (like “We are so much closer to Qwest Field so it’s easier to get to Seahawk games”) so I won’t be a downer. Some things I even just make up (sorry) so people will think I’m adjusting to the change. I don’t want anyone to think that I am not doing “fine”. But…I’m not doing fine. And that’s the truth.
And to all my friends and family that live where I want to live…I also apologize for secretly resenting your happiness. I love you and miss you and want you to be happy. But I am also a very selfish person. So, for all of those thoughts where I got angry that you were so happy and well-adjusted, I am sorry.