I’m not sure why.  I just don’t excel at being social.  I feel strange and out of place.  I attribute this to growing up on a farm in the country and to going to a school where I met everyone I graduated with in the first grade.  There wasn’t much practicing starting casual conversations.  Everyone knew you completely, since you were born.  True, a new person would move in once every three years, but I guess that’s just not enough practice.

I’m definitely better than I used to be.  I don’t panic quite as much.  I try to keep my mind calm and remember people’s names.  I’ve finally been able to make some good friends here (after eleven years).  There are a few more people I can be *slightly* comfortable around.

It’s hard to explain exactly the feeling I get when I am thrust into the spotlight of casual social interaction.  That’s why I am so thankful for Jason Gray and his aversion to social situations also.  He speaks my deranged public phobia much better than I ever could.  Take a listen.  (And please remember that neither Jason Gray nor I am not responsible for the video links You Tube chooses to feature at the end of the video.  I’ve watched it twice and the links aren’t the best.  Maybe don’t click on them, ok?)

Yes, I have hidden behind lobster tanks.  And grocery displays and parked cars and my kids.  Sure, they think I’m tying their shoe, but really I’m hiding my face.  I don’t want that awkward conversation.  I don’t know how to drill through it to get to the good stuff.  You know, the part where I’m my real self and you are your real self and we talk about real things without needing to smile about everything and make each other feel good.

I don’t know how to get there from “Hiiiii!  How ARE you?!  It’s been so long since I’ve seen you!”  I’m inept.  So, if I’ve ever ignored you at the store, this is why.  And I’m sorry.  Thanks for not running over and making me endure that awkward conversation.  Thanks also for not getting mad at me and thinking I’m a huge snob.

And for those of you who have come over and forced me to have that awkward conversation, I know I’ll be thankful for that someday.  I really will.  I appreciate your boldness and friendliness.  I need that (most of the time).  And, just so you know, most of my very best friends now were those people who made me interact.  They forced their way in.  They found me behind the lobster tank and asked me what the heck I was doing down there.  And for that I am exceedingly grateful.

See, I really want to be known

But I’m not quite as strong as the fear

That you won’t understand the fool that I am

That’s how I ended up here

-Jason Gray, How I Ended Up Here

(Album: Everything Sad Is Coming Untrue)

Oh, and if you liked what you heard on the video and want more of Jason’s music, visit his website HERE or shop his albums at the Centricity Music Store.